


The Ultimate Gothic Threeway

by accio_arse



Category: Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, British Comedy, Comedy, Condoms, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, First Time, Howard is naive, M/M, Multi, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humour, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Vince's lesbian fantasy, Virginity, straight guys making out for a girl, virgin Howard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-30
Updated: 2012-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-30 08:31:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accio_arse/pseuds/accio_arse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vince gets his Gothic threeway but Anthrax insists on boy/girl/boy and he ropes in a nervous virgin Howard to help out. No plot, just comedy porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ultimate Gothic Threeway

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to beta by the_reverand and inspiration from beansidhe_baby.
> 
> Spoilers for Boosh Series 2 Episode 3 'Nanageddon'

Two girls and me, that was supposed to be it. The ultimate Gothic threeway. 

The first girl would be down on her knees, warming me up – mouth ready and wet – and at the same time I’d be kissing the other till her dark red lipstick smeared off her lips and wide across my face. I kind of fancied that look. I might even nick her mad top hat too. Mad hatter and his two rampant bunnies. Playboy, Goth style.

The dark haired one, that’s the one I wanted first. She was a bit scary, but I dunno, there was something about her. The way she arranged herself as she sat, thighs slightly spread. Ran across her false vamp teeth with her tongue. Cheeky. Like telling me I couldn’t. I wanted to watch her face as I flicked her nipples just to watch that same mouth gasp.

Then, while I thumbed her tits under her top, the blond one would still be down there, mouth stretched, eyes wide, looking up, working away at me. So I’d stick my hand up her friend’s skirt. Right at her eye level. So she’d get nice and wet too, without even touching her. Knowing what was to come.

Later, I’d throw them both on the bed and do both of them hard, first one then the other, slipping in and out easily from each other’s juices. I’d make sure to get a couple of good rippling ohs from each of them too, touch them well up to get them to come – no, I’d make touch themselves – even better, I’d get one to do the other, fingering each other – no, licking. Face smushed into the other from beneath. I’d do the dark haired one from behind, then I’d get a good view of it. 

Yeah, that would do it. 

What a night I had planned.

But that was before Howard.

First the blonde one scarpered. Howard scared her, of course he did, with his swan shitting and his creepy leers and his talcum powder sprinkled over his Tom Selleck moustache - what was that about, the zombie Magnum PI look? Definitely not the way to pick up a woman. No wonder she ran away.

But that was fine, I’d gone in more for her friend anyway. So Howard was out, but I was still in.

Only then Anthrax insisted on something a bit special.

“Yeah. I only do threeways,” she said, chewing her gum lazily. The gum stuck between her fake vamp incisors and she had to fish it out with one black nail. “I’m dark, see. Hardcore. Het is so _beige_.”

At first I thought that was it, the brush off. Though she was doing it pretty sexy, I had to admit.

Only then she glanced at Howard. “So, is he up for it?”

“Howard?” I sputtered, and had the kind of reaction you’d about expect at that. I totally forgot my Gothic alter-ego and that I was supposed to play it cool.

“Thought you said you were dark,” she said, nose wrinkling as I bent over with laughter.

“Yeah, yeah I’m dark, don’t worry – Christ, you’re serious?”

She just stared. Then her tongue tip stole out and she licked at her fang. My mouth went dry. “Howard? I… dunno…”

Howard came in with his usual shuffling lope and a couple of mugs of tea. “Oh – where did Ebola go?”

Anthrax stared at him unnervingly. “She had to see a man about a dog.”

“Really? A dog? She didn’t say. What kind?”

“Not a real dog, you idiot.” I saw Anthrax’s eyes light up under the brim of her black bowler. It was like they were dancing and then about to eat him alive. Right about then was when I made up my mind.

“Howard, you want to go to bed?”

It took twenty minutes – twenty whole minutes – just to untie one of his shoe laces. 

Not that I really wanted to see Howard’s dangly parts, not with the lights down low, not with candlelight the only option. Not even in the dark. But Anthrax was insisting. 

We weren’t getting any action, she said, not unless we stripped before she did. Something about ladies first and gentlemen before.

I’d done it, no sweat – or at least as far as my pants, and grateful that I’d gone the full Goth that night, black fishnet skids, artfully torn and accessorised with black PVC studded down the y-front panel.

Now it was Howard’s turn to get his gear off. But of course, this was Howard. Never simple. “Can’t I get to know her a bit more first? Go to the cinema, perhaps a jazz club? A few more dates, perhaps hold hands? See where it goes from there?”

“Howard,” I hissed. “Stop mucking about. Go on, get ‘em off.”

Since attacking his trainers hadn’t worked, I headed for his t-shirt. 

“Ahhh!” shrieked Howard. He crossed his arms and pulled the edges down. “Stop that, Vince! Never touch me! Not even when we’re at home pulling girls!”

Anthrax was lounging on the bed, dark shimmering legs curled up beneath her. She gave an exaggerated yawn. “Yeah. I’m bored now. Nothing’s happening. I think I’m going home.”

“No! Don’t!” I said. “Come on! Howard!” I was getting desperate. Anthrax looked about to put her jacket on. 

“A private word, Howard!” I hissed. We moved to the side. “Don’t you _want_ to have sex with a girl? Ever?”

Howard blushed. “Yeah, sure… but…”

“But what?” I yanked at his t-shirt up again. He curled into himself and scowled. 

Anthrax was nearly at the door now. “Don’t go! Don’t go!” I begged. “He can do it, I promise, he just needs time!”

She paused at the door handle. She shot me a stinging glance of disdain. “Pity. I really thought you were _cool_.”

“I am! I am coo…” I started, but was interrupted by a voice behind me.

“Cool? I’m the coolest cat you’ll ever see.” It was Howard. “Hey, lady. I’ll come at you like an icecube in the night. Like a tidal wave of ice cubes. Ow! I’m frightening. Like lightning.” 

“You’re a freak,” said Anthrax, and opened the door dismissively.

“No, I’m not! I was just warming up,” said Howard. “Warming myself up to be cool… uh. Warmly cool. Wait! You’ll see.”

Anthrax’s eyes were dancing again. She took her hand off the bedroom door handle. “Okay then. Prove it. So kiss Obsidian.”

Howard looked at me and mouthed ‘who’s Obsidian?’

“Me, you numbnut,” I replied.

Howard’s face dropped like a piano.

Anthrax shrugged. “Yeah. I knew you couldn’t do it.” 

“You think so, young lady?” Flashing a warning eye, Howard turned square onto me. “Well, check me out.”

I didn’t think he was going to go for it. Come on, this was Howard. Twenty minutes it had taken to tease one shoe lace down a whole inch, the slowest strip show since The Pet Rock Erotic Rodeo back in ’67.

And I admit I was pissed off. He’d totally ruined my chances that night. Farting about, scaring them off one by one. Gothic threeway? More like a Gothic oneway, me and my copy of Love Cats all over again.

So: “Make it good, would you?” I said. “The word on the street is Howard Moon kisses like a two inch slug with the hump.”

Howard bared his teeth suddenly, the way he does when he’s trying to smile but ends up looking more like he’s had a surprise bumming by the wrong end of a rake. Then the breath was knocked out of me and I was shoved up hard against the wall.

It wasn’t a practiced kiss. He hardly seemed to know where my mouth was, not even the general whereabouts. 

But then he grabbed me - one hand behind my neck, pulling me in, the other hand on my arse, and the arse hand was the killer. I hadn’t expected that. Kind of shocking.

Eventually Howard got my mouth on target and began raining down the kisses, as if to show me what he was all about. It was almost of a world of pain, what with his manly big stubble all over my Goth makeup, but mainly a world of astounding, what with his big hands, and the snogging, and all this from that joke of a Howard, though I was still too shocked to react. 

There was a sudden moan across the room. As one, our eyes swivelled, our mouths still together. It was Anthrax – and she wasn’t going anywhere now. She was back over by the bed, hand on top of her short black mini skirt, swirling her fingers across the fabric, pushing down the crotch, watching us intently, mouth wide open.

Howard’s eyes caught mine, just for a second. I felt him shudder and gasp. His groan went through our joined mouths and he closed his eyes. His tongue ran along my lips and I let it in.

Anthrax’s hand was up her skirt now. I’d set some candles up around the bedroom to highlight my best features – my cheekbones, my hair, my charisma. I wished I’d set a few more on the floor now, her hand was in darkness as she panted. “Go on boys, yes… keep going.”

Howard’s eyes flicked open, sideways again and at Anthrax. He watched her reactions with those beady little peepers. Then he took a deep breath and tongued me hard. 

His brown smoke confection was all but a distant memory. I pushed my hands through it and pulled him closer, kissed his neck, grabbed his face. I didn’t want him to stop. He couldn’t. He began to hump me, both hands cupping my arse cheeks and grinding. I felt his erection, and when it touched my own he let out a pile of pathetic whimpers, like an animal caught in a trap. There were even a few tears from him, as if he was about to lose it entirely. I was half scared he was going to blow this again.

“Vince… Vince…” he cried.

“Obsidian,” I whispered. “Remember. Obsidian.”

He halted, panting. “Oh yeah… Obsidian.”

“Boys. You done yet? Coming to join me?” Anthrax’s jacket was off again, only now for real, and she was unzipping her boots too and chucking them to the floor with glee. 

I poked Howard in the belly. “You beauty. We did it! We’re in.”

*****

Howard still wasn’t naked. I dunno how that had happened. It was very, very wrong.

Or perhaps it was a little right. The more clothes on him the better. After all, it wasn’t him I’d got my cock out for.

I’d jumped into bed with Anthrax. Whipped off my fishnet y-fronts and got in there like a good ‘un. She’d not kept them on for long herself, her skirt was over my lamp, her blouse was on my mirror, she’d stripped down her tights and slipped around between the two of us like an eel about to do some right good spawning.

I’d almost wished she’d kept those bra and knickers of hers on for longer. They were dark blue and wispy lace and I could see her nipples through the bra, pert and darkly pink. Down below, a dark pubey forest pushed the mesh of her knickers. Made quite a tasty mound. Suppose that’s why they call it a mighty bush. 

But the three of us were definitely having sex now, and Howard was still in that t-shirt of his, black with the multi-coloured face on it and three sizes too small, riding up over his tum like he’d a bowling ball strapped to his front. It was sticking to him as well, what with all our sweating and fornicating and spilling of certain fluids. No, not a good look.

And then Howard had surprised me. He’d taken my cock in his mouth.

“Get involved,” I’d told him. But I didn’t mean that.

I’d been kneeling on the bed with Anthrax by then, both of us brilliantly naked, and I was finally getting to kiss her. She was rubbing me a bit too. You know where I mean, where it really counts. 

Howard was hanging back still, one knee on the bed, one foot off it. He was fully clothed back then, we hadn’t managed even a sock off him, he was just watching us kissing and touching each other, a right peeping tom perv, fists clenched, eyes twitching, that terrified look of his all over. I thought even at that late stage he might do a runner.

“Get involved,” I’d hissed. But I’d only meant he should come and kiss her a bit. You know, in case he put her off with his creepy Howard stares.

So he inched forward, crawling across towards us. Then he looked up, holding his breath and nervous, watching us go at it together. Nearly touching us but not quite.

“Go on!” I urged. 

Anthrax gave my old boy a pull again. I saw Howard blush. Christ.

“You mean…” Howard asked, eyes averted. 

“Ugh. Just do it, Howard. Go on - just a kiss!”

And at the last second, he did. With his lips pursed and ready he swooped in and gave my happy stiffy a peck. 

“What the fu…” I said. Anthrax dug her nails into my shoulder. “Oh God yes!” she said. “Yes! Suck him. Yes!”

“Christ!” I said. “Ow! Does he have to?”

But she turned out to be right.

*****

If you’d asked me to write down my ultimate to-do list, getting a surprise blowie off Howard TJ Moon would not have been at the top, I can tell you that for nothing.

Funny how things can change.

After he’d given that tiny startled lick to my cock, Howard had bolted to the corner of the bedroom like a prancing pony. This just made Anthrax laugh. She got off the bed and headed after him, leaving me wondering what was going to happen next and rubbing the tender marks on my neck where she’d been biting me with her fangs.

I didn’t see all that passed between them. Her naked back was towards me, I only saw Howard’s face and the hundred and one expressions that passed across it: Fear of a Sailor, Cornish Fear, Nordic Fear, Fear of a Monk. I saw her take his larger hands in hers and thread them round her waist. Howard twitched but let her. Then she took his palms firmly and cupped them round her arse cheeks. Howard yelped like a puppy and like a flash he pulled away.

She just laughed again and shook her head. She took his hands once more. Howard’s whole body leapt. His face was frozen like a corner shop pizza but he didn’t say no. This time she let his hands rest at the curve of her hips. 

Anthrax leaned closer and I heard her whisper. I didn’t catch the whole thing, just: “The two of us together, right?” Then: “First tire him out.” And: “With your mouth, yeah?”

Howard glanced towards me. His expression was horribly mixed. Then he looked back at her and I felt my first pang of the night. That was the way he used to look at Gideon, those lovesick days at the zoo. “You really like me better?” he asked.

“Shhh. Our little secret.”

“Anthrax...” said Howard. His eyes went misty, his smile dreamy. “Anthrax, Anthrax, Anthrax. A lovely name for a lovely lady…” His head leant down, lids fluttering, lips seeking and pursed.

But she was already pushing him off her, skipping back towards the bed where I sat naked. Howard was left mid-air, bent over and yearning for nothing.

“Come on!” she said, patting the bed, right in front of my cock. “Hey, Howard. I’d love you here.”

Howard almost bounced in his eagerness. He was grinning sickeningly, ear to ear. The sight made me want to barf.

“Go on boys, you get started,” said Anthrax. “There’s something else I want to do as well.”

“What?” said Howard.

“You’ll see.”

Howard got on the bed, the springs creaking stiffly under his great knees. He cleared his throat and he knelt before me. My stiffy had well gone down now, I tell you. I’d already been the target of Howard’s kissing already once before, and while I couldn’t fault how much welly he gave it, it wasn’t exactly a hundred percent for being on target. I wasn’t sure I was up for this any more, in a dozen different ways.

“Watch the teeth,” I warned him. “Right, Howard? No gnashers, I mean it.”

I got one of Howard’s weary eye squints, the ones he reserves for when he has to suffer total morons. “I do have a cock myself, you know. I know how they work. I’m not going to go and bite yours off.”

“Christ! Don’t even say that! Why would you say something that?” Now my little fella was well and truly hiding, like a squirrel gone into its hole to store its nuts.

“Having trouble, boys?” Anthrax had moved to stand behind Howard.

“What you doing?” he asked, looking at her.

“Nothing,” she said, reaching around his waist. “You need to be more naked, that’s all.”

“Agh!” said Howard as she deftly released his trouser zip. “What do you mean?”

“Come on Howard. You’re the only one with any clothes on. _All_ your clothes on. That’s so not right.”

“Yeah! It isn’t!” I said. Great idea. She might have forgot about the Howard-blowie once she’d finished taking his clothes off. Even better. She might even decide it’d be more fun to go down and give me a good swallowing herself. 

It was a giggle watching Howard get stripped. He moaned and wriggled and yelped the whole time though, like a worm getting a cattle prod in the nadgers – although he still let her go on with it, I saw. Which was more than he’d let me do. But that didn’t surprise me much. He was still looking at her all romantic and slack-eyed. Trying to kiss her each time she dodged past, always a moment too late.

Then it was underpants time. Howard went suddenly quiet. “Uh, I can do those myself.”

She sniggered. “Yeah, right.”

She whipped them down off his legs like a Formula One car down a rollercoaster ride. “Eee!” he screeched, and pulled his t-shirt down, trying to cover himself. That didn’t even start to do the job. What he was waving about was far too big.

It was funny seeing another man’s cock, all naked and red and hard like that. Gave me a shock, like.

I know I call myself the confuser, and Howard thinks I’m a massive tart. I like to make out like I’ve done it all, seen even more, with extra orgies on the side. Tell you the truth, I’ve never had a guy, not properly, not cocks out like this. A quick snog or two in dark disco corners, sure, but only when I was off my head with dancing, right at the end of the night. I hardly remember it. Didn’t even know their names.

I’ve not even done it with that many girls. How could I? Howard’s my best mate, and he’s always there, putting them off.

I looked up from Howard’s cock and saw him staring straight at me. Both of us went red.

Unwanted, I felt myself go hot. Something itchy sparked in my balls.

It was confusing, that burst of lust. Just plain wrong. Luckily it didn’t last. Anthrax took me in hand and soon I was sure again out of the two of them who I fancied.

“Here’s your target,” she told Howard, grabbing the base of my cock. I tipped my head back and gasped. “Get to it, Howard. Suck.”

Something went on between them, mouthed words, heated looks, I don’t know what, I didn’t care. Not when my cock was being pumped so hard by a sexy naked Goth girl, her tits pushed up against my side. 

I was well back to full mast now. It didn’t take long with her.

Then I opened my eyes and saw a mess of fine brown hair dip down. That ridiculous 70s porn star moustache stretched and the mouth below it opened wide.

Christ. He was really going to do it.

Now, as any man can tell you, blow jobs as a whole are pretty sweet. It’s hard to do them wrong, just get a warm wet mouth on you and let it suck up and down good. Even if you don’t fancy who’s doing it, in a way it’s okay. You can just close your eyes and enjoy. Am I right?

Or so I’ve heard. Because as yet, I’ve never yet had a blowie. Wanted one, for sure. Thought about them lots. Nearly begged for them a few times. But it just wasn’t the right timing, or the girl I was with didn’t fancy it, or she wanted me to do her first, and then we split up, so I never knew if she would have for sure. 

Well, it was happening now.

Howard was hovering, just at the tip of me. Even now I was half convinced he’d chicken out. 

Then Anthrax grabbed Howard’s hand, squeezed it and said, “Go on Howard, take him like a man!” 

Howard plunged right down.

Overwhelming about covers it. I kind of thought I’d died.

I’ve no idea what happened in the next few minutes – Christ, he could have been doing me for hours, except I know I wouldn’t have lasted, not with how he was sucking. 

What exactly was he doing down there? Yeah, I know the basics, but that wouldn’t cover it, believe me, not with the reactions he was getting off me. I was going hot and cold, cold and hot. There were waves of fire, too much, all over my skin and centred on my cock. I was shuddering all over.

“Fuck yeah,” said Anthrax, her voice hoarse and raspy. “Keep on going. Yeah. Do him like you’d do yourself, Howard.”

And then it went to another level when Howard cupped my balls. 

He kind of played with them first. Trust me, that was amazing enough. But then he lifted them higher and kneaded the thick muscle underneath with his thumb, the deep muscle above my arsehole, that runs all the way up my cock and ends at the head.

“Shit!” I said. “Oh my God, don’t stop! Don’t stop!”

I didn’t even know that was possible. I had no idea.

“Yeah, Howard,” said Anthrax. Blurrily, I saw her lying back. She was inside herself, three fingers deep.

“Oh God, oh God,” I said, sure I was going to blow.

But then I was shaken from the rhythm set by Howard’s mouth. Anthrax moved forward with fingers slick and shiny and fingered at my hole.

“Wanna try something? It’s supposed to feel better for boys.”

That was when I came.

It was both of them doing me, at the same time. Howard’s mouth up and down my cock, with him grunting, and digging his fingers in my thigh. Anthrax and her wet fingers, and teasing, and she didn’t get in me, not even close. I felt her circling, and then it was too late. My hips were jerking and my world was tipping sideways and I was ah, ah, ah.

I saw her glare, annoyed. Her dark red lipstick was mostly gone now, but she still had that one black fake tear, kohled underneath.

“Huh,” she said, and sat back on the bed.

My vision was swimming, I was still riding waves. I think I’d gone far into the future.

Howard coughed round my cock.

“Trying to swallow, baby?” she said. “You don’t have to swallow. Go on. Spit it out.”

I was ejected pretty sharpish. I heard a wet squelch. Me.

Howard coughed again. He didn’t sound very happy. He screwed up his face and stuck out his tongue.

“Oh, my poor baby. Come over here.”

Howard’s face changed to delight faster than you’d think possible. With a shimmy he was across the bed and into her arms.

“There, there. My brave little boy.” Howard had his face now squished between her bosoms. It was an awkward fit for such a big loping body. He had to kneel down and crumple his legs up like a fawn. But he looked to be in some sort of bliss. He definitely wasn’t complaining.

Myself, I was still recovering. Considering I’d not moved a muscle, I was totally done in. My legs were aching, I was shaking, sweating, gasping. I wasn’t going anywhere for a while.

Howard lifted his head and smiled happily at his lady. Lips leading, eyes half closed, he went in for his reward kiss.

“I don’t think so!” said Anthrax, wincing. Howard looked gutted. “Well, okay… Okay. Try again…" He moved towards her. "Ugh, no! I can’t!” 

Howard tore himself from her and went to sulk on the edge of the bed.

“Come on baby, baby.” She stroked his back, across his t-shirt. “You wouldn’t do it either. You’ve got minging cock breath.” She leant against him, hugging, and whispered into his ear.

Slowly, he turned to face her. “Okay,” he acknowledged, grumpily. Suddenly his eyes lit up. “How about if I go brush my teeth?”

“Later. In a minute. Let’s do something else first.”

“What?” he said, finally getting suspicious.

“Obsidian –“ she held her hand out to me. It took a second for me to remember – right, that was my Goth name. “Why don’t you come over here.”

She had the three of us on the bed then, lying side by side. Her in the middle, of course. Howard was soon happy back on her tits while I snuggled up to her side. She put an arm around me.

She was warm and soft, but the bed softer, and it was well gone two am now and I’d just been wiped out. I guess that was part of her grand plan because while she and Howard were whispering I started kind of losing it. 

A few times I jumped awake. Anthrax’s arm had gone. I was lying on my own. One of those times I saw her sitting up to take off Howard’s t-shirt, the last thing he had on him. But that might have been a dream. I also heard him say he loved her, but he’d understand if she didn’t yet love him back, it had all been so fast, and they both had the rest of their lives. And I know he can be a bit of a loser, but Christ, that couldn’t be real.

What definitely was a dream was the time I became Anthrax. Howard was on top of me by then and my legs were wrapped around his waist. I had developed a vagina – at least my dream-self body did. That was a strange feeling. Especially when Howard was doing me. 

Howard had that face on him, the one that means he’s scary serious. Like when he’s adding another tower to paperclip castle, or pasting jazz faces to pencil cases. That almost mentalist look of concentration. Don’t fuck with the Moon, only at your peril. 

Later in the dream, I was on my hands and knees. Howard was doing me from behind then, so hard the bed rattled the wall. I kept making him stop and shouting, “Oh God, oh God, I’m there, yes!” Then after a while I’d make him start again and he’d thrust into me even more.

After that I dream I had another one, when I became a vampire girl. Only instead of changing into a bat at night, every time I did magic I became a vampire cow. And I had huge udders in front of me, and Howard was sucking them dry.

*****

When I finally awoke it was just me and Howard and we were alone again. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, slumped over, head in his hands.

“Where’s Anthrax?” I asked, pushing myself up. “What happened? How long have I been asleep?”

Then I noticed. On his cock – a telltale shine. 

The bastard. That hadn’t been no dream, had it? He’d had the girl, all on his own, and while I’d been sleeping right next to them too. Worse than that, he hadn’t even taken off the rubber johnny that he’d used to do her with. What was he going to do next – swing it round and throw it in my face?

He didn’t even turn to look at me. “Vince,” he asked, muffled. “How do you know if a girl really likes you?” 

Oh shit. So that part of the dream had been real as well.

“Vince - is it bad when a girl won’t let you kiss her?”

“She didn’t let you kiss her?” I asked. “The whole time? Ever? But she kissed me lots… uh…” 

I saw Howard give a quick wipe across his face.

“Thought you were going to brush your teeth for her?” 

“I did! I did!” 

“And still nothing happened?”

Howard shook his head. “She said…” he sniffed and the rest became a mumble. “I really liked her, Vince. What happened? What do girls want?”

I remembered more of my dream. Howard taking Anthrax from behind, Anthrax stopping to moan and yell. “Uh – but you gave her a good time, right?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You asked what girls like? Well, they really like, you know, when you give them… pleasure.”

“Pleasure?” 

My God, he was clueless. 

“You know. Making them come.” 

“Girls can come?” he asked, amazed.

“Well, what do you think was happening? She wasn’t exactly quiet, was she? Yeah, they can come. And not just the once. Loads of times.” 

He was staring at me now. “Vince? You mean you were awake and _heard_ us?”

Not just heard them. “Uh… sorta,” I backtracked. “I mean not much. I was asleep.”

“Oh. Okay.” Howard’s face relaxed, then filled with wonder. “Really? Girls can come? Oh… that explains it. All that ‘your whopping great cock, it’s really getting me off’? And ‘that was my third, let’s go for a fourth.’” 

Then he slumped. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? She said she won’t be my girlfriend any more.” His voice went small. “Why will no girl go out with me? I’ll always be alone, won’t I, Vince?”

“Aw Howard, sorry mate. I’m so sorry.” I don’t know why I was the one apologising. She was my bleeding Goth girl. He was the one who’d been doing the poaching. “Tell you what…”

“Yes?” he asked.

“Why don’t you take off that johnny…”

Howard was shocked. “But Anthrax said it had to stay on for twenty four hours! Or else we’ll have babies!”

“Yeah, Howard. I think she might have been having a laugh there. You can take the johnny off as soon as you pull out.”

I had to show him the packet instructions before he’d believe me. Even then, he re-read them a dozen times, each time with mounting disbelief, before dashing the johnny from him and throwing it, tissue-bundled, in the bin.

“I don’t think she was very nice!” he told me, with vigour.

I shrugged. “Nah. She was alright.”

“Are all girls like she was, Vince?”

“Only the hot ones. And they’re the best.”

“Oh God!” he said, head in his hands again. “There’s no hope for all of mankind!”

I shrugged again, more worried about the state of my room. Frankly, it was a mess. The sheets were on the floor, stained beyond yuk, my clothes were flung about, my top ruined and torn – I’d given that up long ago. My carefully placed atmospheric Goth candles had long since gutted and their wax spilled in tacky puddles. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be there any more.

“Howard?”

“What?” he asked.

“Can we both sleep in your room tonight?”

Howard looked at me, startled. His eyes were small and unreadable. “Uh… Vince… What we were doing before. The kissing and… uh. The other things.”

Yeah?” I asked, wondering why he had suddenly gone puce.

“It was all for Anthrax. You understand that, don’t you? I don’t fancy you and I never will.”

Well. That had to hurt. “So that’s why you were dry humping me, was it? With your big fat throbber stuck into me while you were fucking my mouth with your tongue?”

Howard stared furiously at the floor. “Vince… Vince….”

“Don’t worry, I’m only pulling your knob, Howard. I don’t fancy you either. I just don’t want fancy sleeping in the sex bed no more. It’s all gone a bit manky.”

He looked relieved. “Oh. Okay, then.”

In five minutes flat we were under his blankets, him in his blue stripey pyjamas, me in my sleepy t-shirt, the one with the drawing of the happy monkeys jumping over the sun.

It was weird, being next to him after all that had happened that night. I found I was less tired than before. Perhaps the sleep earlier had jolted me. Whatever, I was jittery and finding it hard to drop off. 

I almost wanted to kiss Howard again, as he was lying there, all near to me and big and warm. Just to see what would happen, like jumping off a cliff.

As I was wrestling with myself, I heard a tiny whistling noise. 

Howard. He was snoring. 

I smiled and propped myself up onto my elbow to watch him in the dim light. His moustache twitched as he dreamed. His forehead danced with lines.

Then his mouth started to make those yearning kissy shapes from before, when he’d been chasing after Anthrax. Suddenly I found I didn’t like it quite so much.

“Please. I love you…” he said, his voice hoarse and deep. His mouth reached, seeking, kissing the air. “I love you… Vince… Vince…” 

I giggled like a maniac and planted one full on his lips.

Howard woke with a splutter and pushed me off. “What the hell are you doing, Vince?”

“You were talking in your sleep, Howard. You asked me to give you a little kissy.”

“Vince, are you off your head? I’d never say a thing like that!”

I frowned. “It’s true! You did!”

“Stop talking nonsense, Vince. Just get back to sleep.”

“Not even one more kiss first?” I was more disappointed than I’d expected.

He turned his back on me with a loud snort. “Just go to sleep!”

I lay on my back with a hollow feeling. Listened to him breathe, counted the paisley patterns on the wall. Traffic in the street outside moved far away.

After about ten minutes, the bed springs creaked. Howard had only been pretending. “Vince. Did I really say that to you?” 

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Sorry if I hurt you, Vince, when I pushed you off.”

“S’alright. You didn’t hurt me.”

There was a long pause. “Okay then.”

“Sorry I woke you, Howard. I didn’t mean it. It’s just feel a bit… I dunno… funny. You know, after what happened… tonight.” I didn’t want to say her name, in case it set him off again.

Howard sighed. “Me too.”

“Howard, you ever get lonely?”

The bed creaked. 

“And I didn’t make it up, Howard. You really did ask me to kiss you, in your sleep.”

“Do you want me to, Vince?”

My heart stopped working. I whispered, with hardly any breath, “Yes.”

He turned heavily around. 

It was too dark to see his face but his lips were warm and dry. The kiss was soft and sleepy, unhurried and gentle. 

Halfway through I thought he might even have dozed off. But he hadn’t and after a few minutes more, he stroked my face.

“Yeah, that’s better,” I said.

“Good,” he said, and took my hand.

He rolled back away from me and hugged my hand round his chest, pulling me so I was wrapped around his back. “Okay?” he asked. 

“Mmmm.”

I thought I’d be the one to cry now. Don’t know what it was. Just a lovely and warm and safe feeling being pressed against Howard’s broad back. I waited again until he slept for real, deep breaths buzzing through his wide ribcage. The best thing on earth, if truth be told. Being next to Howard. 

Though ask me again next time I’m offered a proper Gothic threeway, I mean two girls and everything, not a best mate surprise special.

When I was sure he was deep gone, I pressed my lips to the back of Howard’s neck.

And then, with a smile, both of us finally were out for the count.


End file.
